Day 7: Contemplations of a Life, Little Understood, and Lived, Nevertheless

Early morning, I just got back home from working, I saw Blackkklansman. Powerful filmmaking by Spike Lee. I’m still processing the depth of the connection made between our current reality and the plans the Klan had in the 1970s to infiltrate politics.

Conversations with friends lately seems to revolve around both change and how things seem to stay the same. Themes revolve and continue despite our best efforts or to spite them, perhaps. What is both the limitation of our ability to change reality as we know it and what can we accomplish in one lifetime?

I am familiar with where I came from when I re-located to the Twin Cities in 2010. My thoughts, my desires and what I felt I came here to accomplish. Confronted with adversity and a story, I had to live through to believe, I made it through each year goading myself, and consequently the Universe to bring me the fruits of my labor. I'm still not quite sure it hears me.

On various occasions, there’d be some victory or other. Only to discover, that wasn’t the end or the solution just another piece of the ever-growing puzzle.

Am I a knowledgeable metaphysician in charge of my own destiny? Or a pawn in some cosmic game of cat and mouse. And do we ever know the answer to that?

Given the world stage of climate change (it was rather hot this week), global politics with the leadership of insanity and stateman duking it out and our own seething turmoil of shame, destruction and sheer malice, it’s surprising how we survive. I am not sure anyone could have prepared me for what I am experiencing now. Underneath it all, perhaps we knew we were heading to the call, whatever that was. I don’t know.

I wake up daily, incredulous that two years after my MBA I am jobless (again) unable as yet, to break from the glass ceiling of my own self-containment. Whatever family or mental ailment has me stuck in this position. I defaulted to an admin career and moving forward, through and out of that into a career of possibility seems as intangible a thing as the existence of God.

Hope continues, each day the resumes continue to go out, the website is getting updated (to reflect the way I’d like to manage my consulting practice) and the MIMA work gets completed – two blogs today in fact!

Daily life does continue. The Dunn Bros coffee shop on Grand is consistently filled with students, professors and junk dealers. Somali men smoking their cigars, organizing affairs. Hipsters smoking their hand-rolled, debating climate change and discussing music. We grumble about elections and we keep going.

Still, this are fleeting moments. Tiny wisps of air – thought – and then I am forging forward.. Clearing cobwebs, applying to jobs, writing, honing skills, developing business ideas. Moving – multiple times – physically. Trying on new neighborhoods like the clothes I used to get in boxes.

I look forward to, or at least desire more job interviews. Today, this week it feels quiet. Nothing on the docket. An odd thing for me. Too much time on my hands to write my daily blog. The words hit the page and I am already processing the shifts in Day 7. Way past my bedtime though. My body is screaming to go to bed, to rest to feel connected to the All-That-Is.

Spirit and soul. The long-lost lover floating eternally by my side. The wispy darkness, that always taunts to drag me under. Hope springs eternal that it will all be all right...it has to be. What else is possible?

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