Day 6: Templates, Healing, Change, Choice and the Circumstances that Bind Us

I met a woman talking to her dog at the coffee shop today. She was also talking to her phone. She was telling the dog it was hot outside, which it was. I was sweating and trying to enjoy my outdoor time but really it was too hot. The phone was a source of frustration because, as it turned out she kept getting emails from Kohl’s.

I mentioned the heat to her and she got into a long story about wanting to lose weight. Walking the dog, swimming and sometimes eating sweet rolls had lost her a few pounds (she didn’t understand how the sweet rolls hadn’t caused her to gain). So, had visiting her grandchildren in San Francisco (because they kept her running). I didn’t know her story, but it seemed she was one of those people who was probably always losing a couple pounds. Somewhere along the line her life became about getting to that long-lost weight she wished would change her life.

I think that template is an easy one to grab a hold of. Women seem to find themselves there frequently – never quite being all that happy with their bodies. Someone else mentioned recently she couldn’t show her body because she had had babies…Meanwhile, at the same gathering, the guys all had their shirts off and none of them were ripped or cared.

I wondered, briefly if the coffee shop lady was hoping if she just lost weight she’d be beautiful enough to be loved. Had some guy left her for a more attractive model? Anyway, she thought she had an app that sent her messages. She liked the Target app but hated Kohls. After some research on my part, it was her emails sending notices rather than an app. I helped her unsubscribe from the marketing email. She asked me if I was a student at Macalester because I knew how to use an iPhone. I hated to tell her that I knew my way around technology, apps, emails and more.

The baby shower

Later, I attended a baby shower. A surreal experience of baby advice and cute frilly clothes. I realized this was a rather blank page for me. I’m not sure I’ve ever attended one before or knew what to expect. Somehow, I just escaped the baby shower / wedding lifestyle experiences. Maybe I was too busy attending healing classes, healing, or hanging out with adults who didn’t want children, or whose children were already grown. Not necessarily by conscious choice. It just happened.

A small world, after all

After the baby shower, I drove to downtown Saint Paul. There was a Saints game on at CHS field. There I walked around for a bit and bumped into someone I knew from the curling club. I’m surprised he was alone, so I assume he was meeting others I probably know in the compound. I just can’t quite bring myself to go to a baseball game by myself.

Walking around downtown during the day – since I am there mostly at night these days – was odd. A year ago, I packed up my apartment I had downtown for seven years. It was a tough summer. I had no idea where my life was going to take me. My family and I were fighting. The trauma work influenced my existence in a way I didn’t expect. Rather than things simply improving, they fell apart. They keep falling apart, over and over. Meanwhile, new things entered just not in a straight line.

I ran into Bernie there while wandering around Mears Park – my old friend. We ended up conversing on his rooftop about relationships and healing and therapy and the insanity that is this job search of mine.

Good night. Although, I can’t help but think that as much as had changed since I left Lowertown, that some things hadn’t changed at all. Not even one bit. Either that or it was a slight modification based on experience and the totality of it just couldn’t be expressed.

On the writing journey

Writing daily has been both hard and exhilarating. Hard because I could find all kinds of excuses not to write. Exhilarating because it is bringing up a lot of things that are deeply embedded I can’t get to without the ritual of this work.

One thing I know for certain – I am looking to see this shift into what I came here to be and do. Bernie said he thought I’d never be happy in a place where I didn’t believe in the work I was doing, If I was involved in marketing it would need to be a product or service that I trusted. He wondered if I’d not be good in the corporate social responsibility sector. Quite possibly if it weren’t just lip service?

Intriguing quandary.

What's next?

What are all these avenues and paths we choose? I can only hope that I can stay healthy rather than obsessed with weight and those “couple pounds” I need to lose. I heard recently that someone’s mother – who I had seen as a client for her nutritional services – now had Alzheimer’s. So even the supplements and chiropractic didn’t absolve her of a disease that robs one of their memories. I have metaphysical theories on that disease. Still, we can try everything and, in the end, maybe not change enough for our future to be a pristine drive to 120.

Or maybe changing and healing is an obsession of mine that is net zero. Not sure I’d quite go that far, but I can see how we should enjoy every minute we have since we honestly have no idea what the future holds or does not hold. Given the climate change issues, the future may be short. It sure was hot today...

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