Day 1: A Blog Journey in 30 Days of Authentic Writing on the State of Possibility
Updated: Feb 12, 2020
Six months since my contract position at Thomson Reuters ended after two months. Here I am beginning a 30 day journey of writing on the state of possibility and change.
I remember telling my co-worker that being there was like being in the middle of my family trauma patterns.
How did it begin?
I knew something wasn’t right at the interview. I hoped that they’d just pass, and I could keep going doing what I was doing. Except they didn’t pass. I’d been looking for work in marketing communications since graduating from St Kate’s in February of 2016. Here it was, December of 2017 and my intuition was both saying to move forward and I KNEW that this was not a great place to work.
The big AND. Diving into the unknown and taking a risk wasn’t just any risk-reward model…it was the path into the space of no return. I would not be looking back – more like Indiana Jones moving forward into the abyss of a cavern with spiders, black magic and ancient riddles.
These riddles were like my life story imprinted on my soul. And staying safe wasn’t going to cut it. I had to quit where I was working and go to WORK. It just wasn’t going to be at Thomson for too long. I rode it out for as long as I could. It just wasn’t my place – although I used every leadership, business and self-preservation skill I had in my toolbox. My co-workers appreciated my training and my attitude. Unfortunately, they weren’t making the decisions.
State of possibility
We’re on the long road. I lost count of the number of interviews since. Contract roles, perm ones. I have used my network and plowed deeply into my volunteer work – more committed than ever to this path.
The path isn’t about “getting a job,” although that may be the final result, or a part of the result. The path forward is about finding myself – the true North within. A path, if I look back on it I avoided with self-help spirituality and talk. A trained life coach, massage therapist, a spiritual healer -- a person who took all the classes, all the University courses, read books and was known as “the most spiritual person I know” in some circles.
…and I still wasn’t grounded. I created what seemed like good ideas at the time. Nothing is inherently wrong with me or my path. I am a 33 lifepath number -a Master Student. I regret none of the things I did I mentioned above. They all compound to make me who I am. Nevertheless, in October 2016, after a series of experiences and one text from someone I know (I’ll leave that between them and me), I knew I had a journey to take.
It was the journey I had avoided, trying everything else since I graduated high school. Cycles came and went and while all the other attempts at reaching my potential were great and, in some cases, even noteworthy, I still hadn’t really gone THERE.
On the journey
I have attempted to write about this journey before. I might fail again. The last couple weeks, I came “that” close to achieving my dream job and something wasn’t quite right. I remain (mostly) unemployed and I have time on my hands. Furthermore, the journey into my family/ancestral trauma patterns has been exacting. Strange. Sometimes lonely. Unpredictable. For certain, it is clear why I avoided it for so long.
You must be willing to lose everything. And not just willing – do it…repeatedly. Unapologetically.
Here I am... the 33 lifepath. I see destruction all around me right now. The planet is in upheaval. My life is lived from crates in temporary housing. Our politicians are unhealthy and trauma-filled and grossly misaligned from any Spiritual North. The Statesmen we need can’t win elections. The racism, the gross negligence, the poor choices, the consumerism, the unconscious business practices are all in my face. I can’t avoid it anymore.
Sure - there are wonderful, amazing things going on too – boat rides with my friends, nature, new community members I have met, music, an increasing amount of love as I open my heart to the full potential. No idea where this journey takes me. My intuition gets more insistent by the day. This is no ordinary life.
My sacred words. My writing. If my job search is frustrating with twists and turns and dead-ends, then maybe, just maybe I can redeem myself through this…
Where I am beginning
My goal is to write daily – something. Post daily – something. I have wanted to commit to a 30-day writing adventure. See where it takes me. In the meantime, I keep clearing and processing and healing. I release the patterns one day at a time.
Work with my energy therapist, make new choices, and let go.
Brutally face the Truth. It may not be enough to save us. We’re at war. And the war isn’t fought with guns (although they are used), it is fought with our own fragile minds. Will we survive? The future has yet to be written. Time is running out…
All I know right now is that I have tried (and failed) to finish an interview blog for my volunteer work. It started with my voice-recorder not recording the interview. I could have regrouped. I could have used my notes – I just couldn’t bring myself to write it. Instead, it seemed my soul wanted me to write this first. My path home was this work, this writing. I avoided that too, for several weeks. Now I have just surrendered to it.
Let’s see where it takes us.
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