Ten Things I Have Learned in My Energetic Soulmate Journey
I see relationship very differently than most people. I have studied relationship theorists, done a lot of therapy and I am a Twin Soul. While not married to the man of my dreams (yet) or even claiming to be a relationship expert, I have taken a journey with my relationship process as a Twin Soul. What is a Twin Soul? This answer may take another blog in itself but in short it is form of energetic relationship written about by awesome people like Cassidy Cayne in her blog Twin Flames 11:11. Here are ten things that I have come to know well being on the Twin Soul journey otherwise known as the "Energetic Soulmate Journey".
1. There is not ONE TYPE of relationship
This realization was one of the most difficult things I have had to wrestle with during my relationship discovery process on planet earth. Let’s face it, people often equate the word relationship with romance. In theory, that type of relationship is what I am referring to here. However, be clear that our friendships, our bonds with family, our co-workers and our chance encounters all have something to teach us about relating – if we let them.
If you really get beyond the romance novel, however you will see that there are all kind of couple relationships too. Jeff Brown, the author classifies “Wound-Mates” as those people who are simply trouble (hit the ground running) and others as soulmates with whom we are triggered but can work through stuff.
Some people stay in Wound-Mate relationships a long time or for their whole life and equate that type of unhealthy bond with partnership. In the end, the other person may not be available to heal with. You can always take the lessons of the relationship and shift your thinking or become more aware of the effects of these types of energies on you personally, and make adjustments to what you invite into your life.
The relationship variations can include: people who are more friends than fiery lovers; one-night stands; good-enough for right now; arrangements -either formally, like arranged marriages or for financial or other reasons; lovers (not to be equated with commitment); paid (prostitutes/call girls for example); gay; S&M; Twin Soul; unintended or violent…I probably could keep going. Some of these aren’t healthy or even desirable however they are ways in which two people relate and since they repeat through history, are part of our stories on this planet.
The point is – we are extremely diverse. If you are beating yourself up because your relationship doesn’t look like something from a magazine, movie or even like your neighbors – DON’T. You will likely have more than one type of relationship in a lifetime and sometimes we just aren’t going to end up in a storybook if something else works better for us. If you are in one type of relationship but want something different – say you have a consistent history of one-night stands but really dream of commitment, marriage and soulmates, you will likely need to put some work into yourself to get from Point A to Point B. Classes, books, therapy, coaching etc. all may be part of the mix. In the meantime, accept where you are and realize you are just part of the great diversity of this planet.
2. Owning Our “Stuff” is Relationship Work
Way too often I have seen people do the relationship blame game and think that is relating. You know the conversation, your friend sits down for coffee or drinks with you and launches into why Joe or Sara really sucks today because they aren’t doing things the way that your friend would like. They end their long story with “Men/Women Suck!” You agree with them by launching into your own commiserative stories or attempt to give advice. This same pattern has been going on for years and nothing seems to change.
Sadly, our culture reinforces this form of relating and makes people millionaires for writing books aimed at fixing some part of someone else so the reader can finally be “happy.”
In my relationship study and experience, this is a poor substitute for going back to the drawing board and facing your own stuff. As you clear out the detritus, you will naturally attract better and better relationships all around. Your life will be richer. There will be no need to sit there and blame others. You will take control of your own destiny and may even find success in the relationship you dream about. One resource for those who desire the soulmate type bond and are ready to do the deep work necessary is Katherine Woodward Thomas’ ‘Calling in “The One.”
3. Complaining and Instructing is NOT Healthy
Similar to #2, complaining and instructing is another form of poor relating that is common and therefore accepted. I have seen women think it is their role too tell men in their lives what to do, how to dress, where they should or should not be at any given moment. Do you know how uncomfortable it is energetically and physically to be at a public venue and hear a person in a demanding voice, go on and on about their date’s deficiencies?
This is not the same at all as holding space for someone to make improvements in their lives should they choose to do so. Complaining and instructing behavior is demeaning and a sign of poor boundaries. You cannot get long-term love from this type of relating. What is likely to happen is this person will seek love and affirmation elsewhere – either while still in a relationship with you (an affair) or by breaking up and moving on.
As a twin soul, as I progressed in my relationship work, I went from a form of complaining and instructing to acceptance, love and following rule #2 as often as possible. Taking ownership of my stuff, has seen more success for me in life, work and love than any other rules combined.
4. Most People Don’t Really Have Healthy Relationships
We really aren’t modeled healthy relating in too many places. The people with the healthiest relationships work on themselves and the relationship and are willing to grow together. We laugh when we hear terms like “Conscious Uncoupling,” -- mentioned most recently in media surrounding the divorce of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, but honestly at least they were trying to do something different than fight, and cause strife with their children.
Really take stock of your relationship and yourself. Are you bringing the best of yourself to any of your relationships? Are you willing to work through the tough stuff as well as enjoy the bliss? Can you accept that other person as a human being, doing the best they can and work with them?
If you feel you are falling into bad habits, there are things you can do to improve your boundaries, learn to let go of unconscious baggage and relate more effectively. Be willing to go the extra mile and take ownership of your journey.
5. MYTH: You Will Do Everything within Your Romantic Relationship
I know many couples who enjoy hobbies, activities and friends separately from their spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. This is not to say you shouldn’t have points in common and share activities – in fact, if your relationship is to survive, you’ll want to. If you find yourself doing most things separately and just coming together for comfort and sex, you are likely in a more one-dimensional expression and not a fully expressed energetic commitment.
Still, it is healthy to arrive as two separate people with diverse interests, fill-up the energy of the individuals within by attending to interests, friendships and activities outside the relationship and then joining together for mutually satisfactory enjoyment.
Sounds simple. However, I have observed time and again couples who become so enmeshed in each other’s energy, they become unhealthy very quickly. The resentment builds as each of them gives up parts of themselves to maintain the relationship. They wonder why neither of them is happy or resort to controlling behaviors. When the relationship invariably ends, they are both forced to rebuild networks they divested when trying to remain exclusively attached to each other.
6. MYTH: Friendship has Nothing to Offer our Relationships
Some of the closest bonds I have had were with men (and women) who were “just friends.” I don’t really even like the term “just friends.” It seems like the relationship is less than or even undesirable; a status for people who are waiting for the “The One.”
When I opened up to the fact, that my “One” may take time and that I still had years of life in which I wanted to enjoy myself, I accepted that the people I met along the way were my present moment. I stopped putting walls up to what they offered and fully invested in my friendships. The results were astounding. I became better at communicating, working through problems, going through the shadow lands with others and being myself.
In my case, as a heterosexual woman, I had fallen into the trap earlier in my history of equating love with sex, or giving myself too early in the relationship without getting to know someone. Allowing myself to be friends with men and really nothing else, I had to work through my uncomfortable places and learn to relate in a healthy dynamic way – even if that meant expressing that I did not want more.
As a result of all my friendships, I am a richer person and more available to a commitment should it arise.
7. MYTH: Relationships are Physical
This is a bit of play with words and concepts. We are in a physical universe – our relationships have a physical component. When I am at dinner with my friend Kris, we are two separate physical individuals talking and relating about our experiences.
Nevertheless, as a Twin Soul, I have done a lot of work on my “energy relationship” not with a physical person but my twin. While the long-term desire is that this bond manifests as a physical person who has some or all of those qualities, this bond has taught me a lot about how people who primarily see relationships as physical go wrong.
From my vantage point, they see things as stuck realties – what they observe they believe exists as unchanging and non-dynamic. As I have worked on relationship energetically, I have seen physical changes manifest more quickly. Using Access Consciousness and other energy clearing tools, I have cleared patterns and come to see relationships as dynamic energies – I destroy and uncreate the energy of the day before and people and situations have morphed within days of doing so. What seemed like someone’s bad behavior may actually be a manifestation of a point of view that is stuck in my energy system. As I clear this, they don’t need to resist or react to that energy.
That’s not to say you won’t have “real life” work to do to communicate with people, however you can go a long way if you respect the energy and see everyone in your life as ever-evolving and expanding. Granted, sometimes dealing with energy – you have to also recognize and discern when a person, place or thing, is simply not meant to be and let go (e.g.. Wound-Mate).
8. MYTH: Twin Souls Always End Up Married or Romantically Linked
This one may not seemingly apply to most people. You came here to improve your relationship or manifest one and you are not thinking you are a Twin Soul. That is OK. I put this here because I wanted you to know (twin soul or not) that not all relationships are meant to be an expression of divine energy, physically manifest on the planet. We all come here in some form of imperfection and are doing our best to live out this life the best we can – even people we think are needing a lot of work.
Some Twin Souls are not even incarnate with their twin at the same time. Or their twin is not consciously aware. We work on the relationship and relate energetically first and then if it is meant be physical, this time, it will. The journey is increased awareness of self-love and relationship proficiency we gain through the process.
Even if you are not relating to the Twin Soul concept, if you imagine your life and all the lovers and experiences as part of a process, not an end in and of themselves, you too can benefit from the energetic relationship model. That is why the other rules here are so important – the friendships, the relationship work, the willingness to look at your own issues – whether we end up finding “The One” or not, we’ll always have the journey. We will live in the present. We will express the best version of ourselves in each moment. We will live fully!
9. It Will Not Always Be Easy
No. It won’t always be easy. In order to manifest anything good – career, love, a creative project or business – we’ll need to roll-up our sleeves and be willing to take action, put in the work and sometimes go through a series of ups and downs.
How many stories of success come with a long journey in which the person almost gave up – many. It is the journey and not the destination that matters, however sometimes to push through adversity IS the journey. It is the crucible to a next phase of life as we slough off what has limited us and expand outward to a better reality.
In my own journey with relationship, I have seen dark times. REALLY dark times. I bought into all the bad relationship books and tried to control the outcome, I went on awful dates, I observed my reality and said, “Fuck you Universe, you hate me and my dream isn’t going to happen.” I had sex on the first date and never got called back. I had sex after a month of vetting the person and got dumped anyway.
In the end, I grew as a person, opened my heart to a greater possibility and kept going.
10. It Will Be as Easy as You Choose It to Be
This sounds like an oxymoron for #9. In Access Consciousness they have a clearing statement: “It is as it appears to be. It is not as it appears to be.” This is an energy tool I use often. For every reality there is an equal reality on the other side of the coin. If you can accept all of it, you’ll be on the track to a better relationship with the energy that builds worlds. Sometimes we make things TOO HARD.
We cut off the flow and we don’t allow our ship to turn with the wind. When we’ve done the work, and we’ve gone into the shadow, and we’re in a dynamic partnership that grows with us, there is no need for drama or difficulty to be a part of the mix. We can live joyfully without a series of fights and histrionics.
In my best relationships, I can bring stuff up in the moment or work it out on my own – whatever I feel like, and there isn’t some constant friction to handle. I feel accepted and loved as is AND I am allowed to grow and change. I make mistakes and so do they. We learn and move on.