Apology to Sacred Flow for Low Bar Syndrome
I apologize to my Sacred Flow for my chronic Low Bar Syndrome. I allowed outside influences to dictate my actions and beliefs about my soul's ability to create.
When a mentor, teacher or parent criticized my dreams; used their fear-based thinking to teach me lessons or told me "No," I chose to believe them. I gave them my power and I lowered the bar, chunk by chunk until it was so low I didn't recognize my Sacred Flow.
I apologize to Sacred Flow for creating an antagonistical relationship to it for many years - damning it with pills, ignoring the symptoms, avoiding my root, being unwilling to make the necessary changes to have a relationship and spending time berating Sacred Flow for not flowing.
I apologize to Sacred Flow for believing I needed to take on the family disease and genetic patterning that would limit my root energies with occlusions called Fibroids so I could maintain my Low Bar Syndrome at the expense of my relationship to self.
I apologize to Sacred Flow for buying into the idea that my periods were normal, I could do nothing about them anyway and this was just the curse of womanhood. I really didn’t have all the information and what was available was of poor quality. I took it at face value and never questioned my reality or asked for more.
I apologize to Sacred Flow for taking on so many points of view about my heath, money, relationship dynamics and boundaries that the Flow was dammed and twisted with unconsciousness. Once twisted I pushed and shoved and demanded it be different because I was suffering. I still didn’t listen to the messages of Sacred Flow. I tuned it all out. I let anger dictate my choices.
I apologize to Sacred Flow for blaming it for all my issues and problems. If I didn’t get what I thought I wanted from my life, I punished Sacred Flow and myself for things not working the way I had hoped. The problem just got worse and I could feel justified in my approach. This was an unfair and lopsided dynamic that took many years and countless lessons to unwind.
I simply wasn’t ready to hear the messages or make any commitment to change until I finally hit the payload of rock bottom and had the structure in place to make those changes. This came after years of avoidance tactics and bypasses. I laughed in your face while turning anger inward and toward Sacred Flow.
I apologize to Sacred Flow for externalizing my demons in the form of bad bosses, unstable work situations, layoffs, and poor choices and habits that led to these situations. I didn’t respect my relationship to you so I spent money I did make without thought or care and I refused to look into the energy issue that created my problems with Flow.
I substituted debt relationships with friends and credit card companies for working through the emotions that led to my problem with Flow
I had a long journey and path to take to get to the point of being able to really address these issues with Flow Dynamics and I know it meant that for many, many years Sacred Flow was occluded.
For my part, I didn’t realize that the journey would be as long as it was or that I would need to journey into the shadow for so long. This meant that I didn’t take the path seriously and often times skirted around the hard work, choosing to blame outside circumstances instead. I took on magical thinking and rose-colored glasses as tactics to avoid the real work. I let my shame about this cycle be externalized in parents, teachers, bosses and others who made sure I felt like shit for not knowing how to relate to my Sacred Flow.
Clouded with POV that belonged to others and feeling responsible for working through them on others behalf, I did not acknowledge the effect of these choices on my health and wellbeing or my Sacred Flow. I just kept adding to them and avoiding the Truth.
I realized only recently that part of being tuned out so badly really came from the complex dynamics of generations of pain and suffering that I was aligned with in this lifetime. Because I kept taking it on and feeling responsible, I also delayed addressing my relationship to Sacred Flow. After all, rather than question my reality, I kept lowering the bar, hoping that if I lowered it far enough I’d stop feeling other people’s jealousy and finally make them happy.
The result of course, was that no one was happy and I had lost touch with Sacred Flow. By the time I figured it out, years of unwinding and dispelling were necessary to restore balance and remove creations that came from those POV. I had to learn to find myself beneath all the chatter.
I look now at my Chronic Underearning as one of those creations. If the bar was low, then I could avoid actually dealing with my demons and doing the work of Sacred Flow. I was able to fester in anger that Flow hadn’t shown up while keeping a lid on the actual issues. I justified feeling ‘not enough’ and ‘not good enough’ and never questioned why? After all, no one would give me a regular job for so long. I forgot frequently that when I was given an opportunity I found a way of sabotaging it and perpetuating my issue with Sacred Flow. It took many years to restore my confidence and re-build my background.
I apologize to Sacred Flow for going around in circles, and concentrating on other people as distractions instead of getting down to work on myself, taking responsibility for my relationship with Sacred Flow and changing the dynamic.
I am grateful that over the years of ups and downs, you gave me glimmers of hope and stuck by me no matter what. My problems could have manifested much worse and I know that the occasional glimmers allowed periods of recovery. Even now, the work is hard and I am not perfect at it, however I feel we are making progress. I continue to sabotage, however I am also much more aware and I hope that we can work through it in time.
In working with my healers, I have come to know my dark spots and my avoidance tactics. I see that sometimes I am quite capable of avoiding the avoiding. I really didn’t want to take off the rose-colored glasses or dispel the magical thinking with addressing the real issue. Taking the journey to finally do this, opened up a path of awakening. It was hard and exacting and certainly didn’t always feel good. Nevertheless, it was key to building a relationship with Sacred Flow and restoring balance in my life.
As I tune into my womb, and get to know my inner landscape, I am called to hear your messages finally. There are sore spots and numbness yet to address and I hope that you are willing to release as I tenderly massage those stuck places, take my herbs and go to acupuncture. As I work with my healers, I make incremental progress and feel a creative energy I haven’t honored in years.
I am taking chances with communication and being more honest with my Truth even if it rocks the boat. I want to honor Sacred Flow with my divine words and tell the story of our burgeoning relationship as it unfolds. My periods are becoming normalized and flow is starting to restore.
I finally am beginning to realize that taking care of my womb and heralding the call of the Divine Feminine is the key to Sacred Flow. Giving voice to the feelings and standing up for myself in every area of life is not an easy path in this reality. Nevertheless, as we heal this relationship, we are creating a path for others to follow with their own healing. It is a potent process and now I am clear that it is also a vital one I want to take with you, Sacred Flow.
My years of frustrations and anger, my run arounds and bypasses are well known to you. Despite all this you were there, under the surface waiting for me to be ready. For years, I felt alone in my struggle tied to a process I really didn't want to deal with and feeling tied to a boat that was always near sinking. A few times I did sink and almost drown. Frightened, I hoped that the 'next big thing' was right around the corner - the men who might save me, the job that would be perfect, the project or business that would actually make money. One failure after another and I still didn't see the path to the work that needed to be completed.
Let us embark on a more prolific and healthy relationship, one in which we both feel connected and appreciated for our Divine Essence. My Low Bar Syndrome is healing one step at a time. As I embark on my job search post MBA and work on my Creative Life, I am learning a lot about what it takes to raise the bar and exist there permanently.
My concepts of success and well-being have changed drastically and even though I am scared and don't always know my way, I am taking steps - slowly and methodically - toward my dreams. Sacred Flow, I am grateful for you and look forward to our fruitful bond growing into Mastery.