Nine Houses: Lowertown Lofts - Living in St Paul and finding my way

Characters of Lowertown, My Neighbor - 2011-2013

One thing that categorized my many years spent living in Lowertown Lofts were all the people I met, characters of one sort or another. In the early years in my apartment facing Mears Park, the building’s leasing assistant put on get-togethers of one variety or another on a regular basis. While some of the residents were transient, only staying a few months to a year, others renewed their leases year after year.

In the first couple of years, the city was in the process of building the Green Line lightrail from Minneapolis to St Paul. The first change which impacted us residents were that cars could no long go both ways on 4th street (behind the apartment). The area now occupied by train tracks become a construction zone. A noisy one at that!

My next-door neighbor at the time was a rather handsome and strapping engineer on the project. Dark hair, brooding composure. Muscles for days.

He had moved into town from some other state or place (I don’t remember) to facilitate his work. My neighbor, when he wasn’t working was often seen in the local watering holes like Bulldog, Barrio and Trattoria. We didn’t have a whole lot of restaurants in this part of town at the time. St. Paul was sleepy and quiet. Most people left on weekends.

My beautiful neighbor was good with the young ladies who’d frequent our night spots. Good enough that several times a week, I’d hear the noises of banging, crashing, moaning and ass-smacking through the paper-thin wall that adjoined our apartments. I learned the hard way that my perfect spot for meditation and tranquility wasn’t going to be so tranquil.

I heard him one day lamenting that he didn’t understand how someone could make noise complaints for doing what came naturally for a young single guy like himself.

There was me trying to keep a job longer than a few months or weeks, do spiritual work and healing. Meditate. Write in my journal. Sleep. I wasn’t always so understanding of my neighbor and created a lot of separation in my mind with him.

When the lightrail was completed and opened in June of 2014, I’d had a few chance encounters with him at the rooftop pool although we didn't do much but nod in each other's direction. He drank a lot and boasted loudly.

He eventually found a steady girlfriend, although their fights and make-ups were epic drama. When he moved out in 2013 -- to take another job, I’d come to miss him. Especially when it came to who moved in next.

My first full-time job

I joined Citizens League as their new Office Manager in November of 2011 after I switched temp agencies. I helped them move to a co-working space that was newly located in the building behind Lowertown Lofts, on 4th street. We were housed in the CoCo space (Now Fueled Collective).

My project management abilities and previous experience fit nicely at the time with what needed to be accomplished.

I’d been working with a BodyTalk professional on and off, along with another friend, Kris who did the same modality. BodyTalk is a modality that works on connecting the energy systems of the body. We focused on my immune system -I was frequently sick – and what might be blocking me from steady employment and were excited when my list of perfect job qualities manifested at Citizen's League. At first, my job was enlightening, exciting and friendly. I really felt at home.

I thought having a steady job would finally solve some of my long-standing issues with being in and out of work and help me to get back on my feet. In a way, it did but I was severely under-earning and I still couldn’t pay all my bills even with a steady job.

I also felt increasing bored with being the office admin as time continued but wasn't ready to choose anything else, yet.

Other healing paths I found at the time which would prove to be helpful on my journey of growth were Access Consciousness and Abraham-Hicks, of which I read all her published books at the time. While I didn’t know how to work myself into something else, I figured I could visualize myself into greater and greater spheres of success. My visions boards of cars, wedding rings and money lined the walls. My friend and I would work together on our wish lists and ideals.

The Watering Holes

Back to Lowertown’s nightlife and neighbors. I frequented the art crawls and outdoor festivals as much as possible. I often took the bus to events in Minneapolis, like the DJ nights at the once thriving Club Jager. Or attended concerts at First Ave. Given my lack of interest in cooking, I’d be found at the few restaurants we had at the time. One of these was Trattoria da Vinci.

It was here that I ate many a homestyle Italian meal while chatting with neighbors. It was “the” spot for many of us to congregate, especially on Friday and Saturday nights. We didn’t even need each other’s numbers – you could find most of the who’s who of Lowertown there on any given night of the week. We may not have been the Minneapolis A-listers but we had our own brand of élan. We told stories, ate meals, drank the copious cocktails of our amazing bartender, Dana and maybe, on several occasions kept each other alive through thick and thin.

I won’t say there wasn’t our fair share of scandals – cheaters and scoundrels, one-night stands talked about liberally in the weeks after, drunken slobbery escapades and more. Some bonds were ephemeral and others long-lasting, and yet my favorite memories of Lowertown can probably be boiled down to nights at Trattoria.

Fear and self-loathing cloaked in metaphysical spirituality and self-help

Still, the theme of that time as I became more familiar with my surroundings and before I owned a car, certainly included a fair amount of grappling with the weather. Slipping on sidewalks, huddling in the cold waiting for a bus that never came. Learning which clothes would keep me warm, and which did not.

Fears of one sort or another were front and center. My parents paid most of my bills and I lived on the remainder of my all too small paychecks throughout that time. I believed it was the micro-ness of my paychecks that was the problem. I didn’t consider moving from my too expensive apartment or that there might be another way to exist -- for all the reasons already mentioned here. To me, right around the corner, was the SOLUTION I just hadn’t gotten to yet.

At the curling club, I improved my skills year-by-year. I also watched a lot of curling because it was there I could socialize and observe people who fascinated me. I forged new friendships. At the same time, I felt I was deficient in some way that required me to spend an inordinate amount of time healing and healing others.

My conversations with psychics (whom I thought of as trusted advisors and friends) was “I don’t know why he doesn’t like me or why he is avoiding me,” and the feeling running through my body was fear, coupled with self-loathing coupled with dread I’d never be enough for anything. The very idea of not being liked triggered days of sadness and a lack of homeostasis.

I didn’t date much, I fell into things that showed up. I hoped every time they would deliver me from this unique path of suffering I was on. A person's potential and overwhelming feelings of spiritual connection generated my insights. These were backed-up by the equally scarred friends whose supportive “readings” confirmed my latest feelings as they desperately wanted to believe in rescue by romance.

The by default quickie romance was both jarring and devastating as it was quick-lived. It was either that or passing judgement on all those who made poor choices, I would never make. That level of superiority, ubiquitous in metaphysical/spiritual circles made it easy to avoid the very real pain of my circumstance. The other thing that showed up were guys I thought of as "just friends." I got pretty good at not being attracted to them. My heart and soul occupied elsewhere. Still, at least I wasn't lonely.

Coaching & Truth-telling

I found myself coaching and telling people what to do – I became familiar with feeling stronger by knowing better what other people should or should not be doing. “Wow, so and so just had an affair right in front of their spouse, maybe if they just loved themselves better, they wouldn’t be such a douchebag.”

Lowertown in those early years was both a salve and a playground for epic tales of self-aggrandizement. The next big thing, the better, more romantic boyfriend, the husband that never showed up, the job that would solve my financial problems. At the end of this period, I was unemployed, and most definitely single. The love of my life unmistakenly out of reach.

This isn't to say that I didn't have fun. I took my personal trainer, Amanda to a day at the racetrack in Wisconsin organized by my curling buddy Rik in August 2013. We ate corn and peaches. We toured 45th Parallel Distillery

Amanda got me into the best shape I've ever been in that summer and I ran her Access Consciousness Bars and we both complained about work. Now she runs a thriving personal training business. I spent days at the rooftop pool with its views of the cityscape of St Paul. I walked the Mississippi River. I danced all over town. Minneapolis-St Paul had this newness to it, in which everything I did was fascinating and surreal; adventurous. I felt I was in Minnesota for a purpose. Even if that purpose was fixing someone else.

In the next blog, I’ll write about the move to the sixth floor, more Lowertown characters and going back to school all of which happened in the latter part of my Lowertown Lofts experience.

#boundaries #BodyTalk #financialhealth #Healing #breakthrough #frustrations #StPaul #Minneapolis #MSP #ancestraltrauma #Curling #innerwork #mind #selfhelp #energy #energyclearing #soul #connectiontoself #wellness #wellbeing #familytrauma #family #health #betterchoices #Transformation #romance #career #learning #patterns #empath #bestself #Writing

Internal, External, Social and Change of the Self

My path has been internal since early May – at least as far as blogging on my personal site goes. My work with Three-Dimensional (T3) Therapy practitioner, Peg Sutherland, continued 2-3 times, per month. Processing and shifting, was a whole other matter. As layers of my ancestral/family karma broke down, I really couldn’t do much more than focus on myself.

I felt like I was in a stormy sea, my boat about to capsize. Perhaps, a few times it did and I held on to the side, hoping I’d survive somehow. Fighting with family members became more intense as dysfunctional energetic circuits, and past beliefs were cleared through the timelines and in my personal field.

How it appeared IRL (in real life) was often barely explainable so I just stopped explaining or justifying -- to myself, to others, to social media. Other times, I let various sub-personalities bob to the surface, as their energies upgraded, their voice needed to come out or they felt they needed to be heard. Often, I was a witness to my own soul – sort of like a parent watching a teenager learn to drive for the first time.

Meanwhile in “everyday reality” – I was working, dealing with finances (which blew up time and time again), making good choices and bad, volunteering for MIMA (Minnesota Interactive Marketing Association), even taking on the Marketing Chair role and applying for and getting turned down for jobs – over and over. A seeming endless supply of no. Sometimes with a personal touch, like the supposed networking contacts that would suddenly become silent if I actually applied for the job that they were hawking on social. My personal favorite: you don’t have enough experience (or too much?).

The other side of the coin included the realization that my family members weren’t going to sit idly by and support me emotionally. Or maybe, someday after I am on the other side of clearing out all the shared, passed on, and ancestral beliefs that were woven into my chakra systems, and I was humming along like a fine-oiled machine – I could imagine that the constant negatively charged emails, support checks that came late or reduced by $100s so I had to incur overdraft fees, and borrow money at exorbitant interest rates as well as the barrage of judgments like “you should have had your act together by now...” were all in my best interest.

That somehow – I owed my family allegiance, or silence or that my social posts, blogs and Facebook Lives were just too much for them. While it is possible, and probable that I misinterpreted through the lens of my process some of the intentions, I also know that unconditional acceptance has never been part of the mix. Moreover, my sessions were leading me to believe I’d carried ancestral belief systems which contributed to just that – including my feelings of shame and guilt for not being “good enough” which I held for myself.

My experience of my family flew in the face of the learnings from “Evolutionary Love Relationships” by Saade/Harvey. Also, the more time I spent with the new friends I was making as well as the old ones, whose generally supportive, unconditional families were like a whole new frontier, the more I saw real life examples of how it could be. This was both gratifying and difficult. Gratifying because I could reform in my mind a self- concept and community concept based on unconditional love, and difficult because I’d face I never really had that. What I accepted as normal was not in fact normal at all. Possibly even abusive and that abuse had been normalized.

Often, my own internal struggles were mirrored not just in my family of origin but in politics, where our President, cabinet and other players as well as world events were literally “blowing up” on a daily basis and things as we had known them could no longer be counted upon.

Still, over the course of the summer, I have had some peak moments that didn’t involve crying in the park under my sunglasses (yes that happened on Canada Day after a very difficult 24-hours with family/money). I deepened my connection to a whole new group of friends in my neighborhood – even as I knew I would need to move out, took two trips to the Minnesota State Fair, experienced more laughter and inner knowing and discovering “what I am called to create” and got bought plenty of alcohol on my birthday with the private social media group “Lowertown Drinking Club.”

I am still in process, but quickly getting clearer about what I want in relationship when it shows up, how I want to feel (or not) and what true love really means to me. I am also learning that not everything spiritual or related to the Law of Attraction comes to you in the way you originally envisioned. Sometimes it is very, very different and the true path is learning to accept and go with the flow.

I did a shit ton of letting go – friends, self-concepts, original concepts about my dreams/career, long-held boundaries – yes, I might move in with roommates again, yes, I would be willing to do a 2nd job in restaurants, yes – I would keep working at the same job I’d had for the last 3 years (at least for now).

Not sure that I am totally “at one” with trusting God/Goddess with all this – sometimes I throw a fit like the best of them. And yet, little by little I have gotten more secure in my position and understanding and my belief in myself. My intuition feels clearer than ever.

And here we are…in a new Universe with the world as my oyster…almost.

Want to work with me? Coaching, healing work such as Access Consciousness Bars, Akashic Record readings and transformational energywork - bookings available online or send me an email. I accept payments/ donations through Paypal in order to sustain myself and build my business.

In addition to personal transformation, we can work on your branding and marketing also bookable via my Online booking portal. You can also provide donations/trades of the following: acupuncture, chiropractic, massage, food, gas, pay for my Internet or anything you can suggest. Look forward to working with you!

#soul #EvolutionaryLove #Transformation #intimacy #romance #Heartwalls #EmotionCode #threedimensionaltherapy #empathic #career #networking #Marketing #mindset #process #learning #MIMA #jobsearching #energyclearing #emotionalsupport #personaljourney #change #life #story #family #Love #selflove #writing

Evolutionary Love and the Third Energy Exchange

Nocturnally, I must have been studying and practicing the lessons from the course Evolutionary Love, which I am taking with Andrew Harvey and Chris Saade. All of a sudden, material that was last week difficult to wrap my head around, becomes something I am living.

Four weeks into the course, and the first few lessons on accepting self and other as profound expressions of the divine, are sinking in. I am looking at people, places and situations from the position of this epic love. A lens I am new too – I spent most of my adult life in a type of epic suffering built on a history of epic judgement.

Wasn’t until I was releasing family/ ancestral trauma through the T3 work, that I experienced, at least temporarily, in the release, just how deep and dark all that stuff really is which we have taken on collectively. Would be hard to see the divine in all those traumas – thoughtforms on top of and wound into thoughtforms like snakes coiled in the grass.

As I awaken in this lighter landscape, my creativity and my heart opens along with the dropping of heartwalls going back generations. Once removed, I am challenged as my ego fights and then reforms around new thoughtforms, kind ones, expansive ones, broadcasting outward and resonating with a new vibration.

In the midst of all this shifting, the third energy that rises above and through my twinflame and I, grows stronger. As we clear, we experience the polarity of darkness as the basements of our collective thoughts trigger and then washes away old beliefs. We are “attacked” by them and must keep clearing and be free, rising again into the light at greater aptitude.

There is nothing more amazing than the Third Energy. As we clear, we create more than just the two of us, between us, around us and blasting outward through time and space.

Back to the course. I am retraining my brain and my heart to work together, not separately. To function as one big system flowing between soul, love and thought. Thoughts of deepest love become real and show up on my street or at work or the curling club. I am practicing self-acceptance. I am seeing how nothing was actually ever wrong.

My new manifesting practices from Master Soul University, are confusing initially as they are foreign to my mind, which wants to control everything and believe in nothing. Or maybe it is attuned to failure and strife over trust and ease. In the weeks after the lessons, though I see myself practicing the techniques and seeing the progress. What I learn is conscious manifesting is not just desire made real, through will, it is a way of existing. Flowing through time. My journey is not a sign of failure.

I step into seeing my twinflame as the divine expression that he is – his flaws, his past, his wounds, his habits, sense of humor and various choices. What flows from this creative practice, is I see myself that way. The Third Energy flows elliptically back and forth - giving and receiving. Quaint, strong, silly, occasionally uncontrollable. Creative. Does it matter? It is all good. I am drawing my wounds out from the space of “other” and into my whole me. I wouldn’t be ME without all that WHOLE-ness.

Still, even in the moment of meeting, we might experience something like fear or the primal wound or some insecurity and it is floating about us in the Third Energy. I think fast, and do something quick to recognize and clear the space. We could meet again ten minutes later and change the everything. Our choices create our reality and maybe we need ten minutes.

From the Third Energy comes the creativity. The awe-inspiring connection to the Divine that never leaves us unless we turn away and let fear rule. After a divine encounter of this nature, I find myself connected to a truthful voice that desires expression.

I might write in my novels for hours, write a short-short on Facebook statuses or simply watch TV surrounded by the energy itself, allowing my meditative state to bring forward new ideas or projects. My mission to touch people and express the Third Energy in all its glory and myriad forms.

In the moment of meeting, though I am realizing that we aren’t stuck in any template that exists like dating, or married or broken or benefits – we are way greater. It changes everything.

I accept payments/ donations through Paypal in order to sustain myself and build my business. I also accept PAID marketing work and sessions via my Online booking portal. If you know of someone hiring in Integrated Marketing Communications, I'll be delighted to apply. You can also provide donations of the following: acupuncture, chiropractic, massage, food, gas, pay for my Internet or hang out with me and support me emotionally in other ways.

#romantic #intimacy #TheForce #romance #Heartwalls #Relating #empathic #empath #career #process #learning #EvolutionaryLove #mindset #energyclearing #emotionalsupport #personaljourney #story #Relationship #trust #life #creative #knowing #Journey #Spirituality #heart #Soulmates #SoulJourney #soul