I am taking a class by the Intuitive Astrologer and holographic intuitive, Robert Ohotto. It is part of the membership he runs which I joined last month. The class is on Power and Powerlessness.
I reflected today, as I listened to the teaching, about the times I feel powerless and what my typical reactionary behaviors are.
I admit that when I am subconsciously triggered by outside events, it definitely shows up in my finances a lot of the time. It also shows up in wanting to control things which are out of my control.
Yesterday, I recognized too late that some part of me was triggered about summer being cancelled. It had been building for a while and I guess I just didn't pay close enough attention. Summer the season, is most definitely not cancelled, it has been 90 degrees most of the week.
What I am referring to are the get-togethers, events and festivals that keep me entertained.
Actually, a lot of things are cancelled or postponed. We were just sent a survey for the St Paul Curling Club last week to submit to them about our plans for the upcoming curling season.
Honestly, it doesn't look particularly good. Now this is a sport that I get a lot of joy from, exercise and camaraderie with people most of whom I have known for over ten years. Last year, I took over a team and became a skip for the first time. It was challenging and we only had one win for the season, which may or may not have been a fluke.
Anyway, I have had many wins in curling, even going all the way to the 1st event finals of a tournament. As a first year skip, I was not expecting to pull off a miracle.
Nevertheless, I looked forward to the respite from the long Minnesota winters, drinking beers, going to weekend long bonspiels and tons of laughter.
It became clear as I completed the survey that business as usual was already not possible. It is not a socially distant sport. Even if the club does 50% capacity and we trade-off weeks and sit far away from each other, it seems so much will be lost. It is also not clear if masks will be required, what might happen if someone tests positive and if we can even stomach the epidemic breaking out in the club.
I reached out to my teammates to gauge how they were feeling. These ladies were willing to play under an untrained skip for an entire season with lots of free beer involved (the winning team in curling purchases beer for the loser). However, the thought of coming to the club with no vaccine for a virus that may ramp up again during flu season was just too much.
One of my ladies, a retired nurse had a loss in her extended circle and another relation on life-support. A different teammate had a grandkid on the way. We also weren't clear we could all afford to financially sustain the club by paying dues for a season we don't have - a suggestion made in the survey.
The grief for me over the entire sordid mess just crept up on me slowly. I thought I was handling it all. I wasn't.
Covid knocks the wind out of just about everything
I had lost so quickly all the outlets for what I considered my rejuvenation, my friendship circles, my events such as music or festivals that I attended. My world suddenly felt small and constricted. The virus, if you catch it affects your breathing.
Existentially we all can't really breathe. That has been the summer theme, I suppose. The theme for all of 2020, let's get real. George Floyd, was stopped from breathing by a cop. People we know got Covid and passed away, their lungs unable to sustain their lives.
Here I am worried I'll be alone in my apartment for a year or more, and hardly see anyone. No hugs or touch. No smiling faces. Laughing at my own jokes because no one is around to share them with me.
Robert was talking about how mask wearing, for some people is the small token they use to express their general sense of powerlessness in their lives. It is easier to throw a hissy fit at a clerk in the store who won't let you in, or go on social media and brag about not wearing a mask than it is to sit in our feelings and admit the truth.
Our society has spent way too long finding ways of escaping feelings -drugs, alcohol, sex, food, endless vacations and politics. Maybe wearing a mask is like a door to feelings we simply aren't willing to touch.
My budget was tight this week, I knew I shouldn't go out. But I went out anyway - several days in a row. My inner dialogue involved something like - it is warm out, the patios are open, I just want to breath some fresh air. I deserve to have a break after work.
I immediately became over-extended and unfortunately debted again. A thing I hadn't done since February.
The cosmic forces - internally and externally - force us to look at our shit. If you act from powerlessness it will have an immediate karmic effect. We don't get a break just because we're nice.
No one is perfect
Perfection isn't the game here. One day at a time.
I feel sad. If I do curl, it won't be with the same team. I may not curl at all. The club may not sustain itself without regular corporate gigs, tournaments and 100% capacity. I may have to take up ice skating or go back to my scrapbook projects.
I guess I will become real friendly with my budget and my finances. I will try to look at summer in a different light - it isn't all about me or a patio, I suppose. We're all not breathing the way we'd like. We're going to have to find new ways to heal and sustain each other. Drinking beers in a crowd probably isn't where power is best manifested.
Winter will be really quiet. We may have to enjoy walking alone in the snow instead of sitting around a table talking about our curling shots.
I suppose in the days ahead, as I continue with the material presented in Robert's class, I will need to consider in my heart where my true power really lies. Is it posting on social about Covid and racism? Is it scrubbing my life for places I have acted unintentionally and sustained white supremacy? Is it writing?
I am not sure yet what 2020 is asking of me. I know it is exacting and difficult. Projects start and stop. People I'd hoped to resolve issues with have disappeared. Others are busy social distancing or doing their own thing.
The fall is unlikely to bring the fun events we all look forward to like the start of the curling season. We may lose more than we gain this year. It could be anything from our health, to our family members to the elections. We're going to be asked to face power and powerlessness over and over again.
What will you choose to do with your own journey with this material? I can speak from personal experience and say, it sure isn't letting me off the hook!
If you need someone to talk to as a coach or you want to try an Akashic reading on your situation, or to find a way to formulate a life that feels more authentic and real, look up some of my services. Any one of them may be something that helps you move through the material towards this new world, now forming.
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