Updated: Jun 30, 2020
I blogged previously about my journey. You are welcome to comb through my previous iterations.
However, recently I decided I wanted to create a series. I thought, rather than just recount my day-to-day experiences, I could write something about my time in various houses and rooms starting with the end of my seven years living in my own studio apartment. I’d title the series The Nine Houses.
Somehow each of these abodes represented a part of the healing of the internalized trauma. Of course, even after years of healing, it doesn't just magically go away. My relationship to the material changed drastically, however.
Each of The Nine has some specific meaning to me. They were experiences. They were homes. There were both wonderful and full of conflict. Sometimes at the same time. The ninth house, I won’t move into until April 1st. It may not be my last move, but I think it represents well a kind of closure point in the journey so far.
Healing is a process. Our 3D world often reflects the subconscious beliefs and any trauma that is held in our system. The trauma, as I found out as I healed, is not always from this lifetime. In fact, it can be passed down through the energetic and physical systems from ancestors long forgotten.
Very little is understood about that right now. All we see are the symptoms. Choices like drug and alcohol abuse, the repeated patterns of relationship issues or health problems. We call them “genetic” or “familial.” In some cases, we lament why someone is the black sheep or can’t get it together. We think, if only they could make better life choices all would be well.
Only a small percentage of people have tried to change static realities, DNA and belief systems. Even they are experimenting and challenging the status quo. Epigenetics is in its infancy. The understanding we have of internalized trauma’s effects on someone’s life remains, at this stage, mostly a mystery with just a few starting to write about it and conduct research.
Some aren’t sure if it is really true we can change things like this that seem like solid aspects of our personality, our health or experience. Others are inventing modalities as I write.
In the end, the pain body claims countless victims to suicide, physical health issues, substance abuse, mental issues and more each year. What’s worse is that some seek guidance from ungrounded, untested spiritual gurus hoping for a quick fix, or a miracle. Maybe they seek and fail to find western medicine responses that will heal them and only get worse or die. In the end, the pain remains or degrades with abuse, cults, negative spirals, pills and unscrupulous practices.
I don’t have all the answers. This is just my journey. Maybe sharing it will give insights into the path of healing internalized trauma – both the possibilities and the limitations. Also, there is and has been no quick fix. A person has to be willing to enter into the healing, they have to participate, and they have to want to heal. For everyone who could go as deeply as I did, there’d be some whose soul simply would limit the length they will go.
For all those like Anthony Bourdain who fall to the deep despair of the darkness of depression, and never find a way out, there are countless others, many of whom I have known personally, who continue to thrive and persevere. They find a path. Maybe not the same one I have taken. They use their will to live and continue despite the insanity.
What I believe, more than anything is if we don’t change our minds about health, healing and trauma, we won’t survive as a species. The pain body is reflected in the climate change, the political systems, the health or lack thereof of the citizens of the planet. The perpetuation of abuse sexual or otherwise is the pain body. We throw our hands up and wonder how we'll get through the day. We watch as people close to us suffer. We often try to choose differently and can't seem to find our way.
We do not live in free choice most of the time.
How we will get to live in choice…is up to us. How far are we willing to go to change the path of the future? Time will tell. In this series, I hope to take the reader through aspects of my journey and how the Nine Homes represented both internal and external aspects of my healing. You can read more details about the issues in a previous blog here. In my case, abundance, career (1st/2nd Chakra imbalances), Thriving, Self-Esteem were all impacted by my internalized trauma.
In the next part of the series, I’ll recount my time at Lowertown Lofts. My studio apartment in the heart of St Paul. Not all seven years in detail. How LL fit in with my healing, and my journey and what happened when it fell apart.
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