Momentum and Projection - Authenticity Meets Resistence

This morning I spoke with a contact within my current company about working on some marketing projects. It may take a bit of time for that process to play out but looks promising.

I also joined the local marketing organization MIMA (Minnesota Interactive Marketing Association). I had to use the $20/month option in order to spread out the payments. I didn't want to wait though to get the process moving. I immediately submitted the volunteer form for the organization – we’ll see where that takes me.

My father reached out to me last night. He’d heard from my brother, who heard from a friend of his that I had a Facebook posting or crowdfunding post – not sure which they saw asking for money.

Not sure what my brother thought of the post just that they were speaking of it. I’m really unclear why the triangulation here or why my brother couldn’t speak to me about it or even what the nature of the conversation was.

Nevertheless, it prompted another donation to the cause albeit with some explanations about things I should be doing or wasn’t doing correctly. I find this sort of communication difficult. Emails are terrible for missed emotional cues, even though I try to lay them out as succinctly as possible.

It still seems like there is this antagonistic barrier here like I am somehow hurting others by being more myself, or Going for Gold, or speaking up and sharing my process. Except in practice I find my community growing - I was invited by one contact into a personal networking project, for example and other people have posted on my Facebook business/author page or personal page. I am having quite a bit of interaction on it and mostly positive. My personal brand, blog and website is finding its own. I am finding myself.

I did more clearing work last night on my energy field including some EFT style “Butterfly Hugs” to pinpoint some emotional stuff coming up around family issues. I find that it has to be a daily practice at this point – everyone has opinions and ideas. It is easy to get bogged down in “information” overload and triggered – especially with family stuff. For me especially, as an empath my tendency is to take on all these ideas and then try to create from them and please people.

While I appreciate the concept that I “should be” working two or three jobs or moving into a room in a house with roommates or cutting out any pleasurable activity “just to get by,” I guess I am not clear that this approach will be the best solution. That is ONE solution that people buy into. Do I have to hold the point of view that suffering leads one out into the promised land?

Fact is, I am suffering when I don’t join MIMA and other marketing organizations. I am suffering when I can’t afford the $600 ticket into the MIMA Summit in October and might be missing out on learning opportunities and network building. I am suffering not being able to get a ticket to the Blogger Conference because I am worried about food, or gas for my car.

If my body can’t take working three jobs and not getting enough sleep does that make me a bad person who just “can’t get it together?” I’d like to suggest maybe these concepts are more unconscious templates that just heap on judgements and don’t solve anything for anyone.

I feel like I need to concentrate on the extra work I will be doing for my internal marketing department, volunteering at MIMA and seeing if I can get a scholarship to some of these events, or a benefactor to help defray the costs.

People have thrown up my age as some weapon in the process. “You’re XX, you should have it together by now.” Really? Why is age an indicator of success by your terms? Maybe my soul has a plan that is bigger and better than your small mindedness can see right now.

Why is it that my working for the same company for two years with multiple successes under my belt in the role – respect of peers and management included, completion of fulltime MBA (while working), viable website and written materials, beautiful friends and connections is not “SUCCESS?”

Why my crowdfunding site is somehow a family embarrassment instead of a well-thought out strategy to raise funds for my website publishing business (with me as author/artist/healer) and my career development - $600 conferences – is somehow less than or different from a high-tech app going for angel funding? I wanted to experiment and change something - I took action.

I still don’t get the disconnect frankly. Perhaps I am supposed to be quiet about it and stay private and not speak up. Suffer alone as I had been doing. Keep it in the fam. Act professional by some standard set-up in people’s minds. Guess I don’t know my place?

I’ll write more on the concept of unconditional support and connection later. Of course you can’t force it from people. Not everyone can provide that. Still, I question everyday what template it is that is being used to compare my actions/experiences and then spit them back as “not ok.”

Despite all this, I am forging through and past the distractions. Clearing my energy field and working on increasing my efficacy in the areas of communication, creating relationships, finding alternative solutions to seemingly insurmountable issues and building my spiritual practice through yoga and meditation.

2016 (a 9 year in numerology and a clear harbinger of completion) has been a categorical BITCH.

We have 3 more months of 2016 and a set-up timeframe in 2017 to go, probably. 2017 though is a 1 year and things will flow much more smoothly (or so they say).

If anyone can help with the MIMA summit or MN Blogger conference – I’d be very interested in going. You can donate to me directly, or purchase the ticket or send money to my YouCaring campaign.

In the meantime, I look forward to sharing my experiences of growth and development here.

#fundraising #emotionalsupport #writing #yoga #Love #Journey #jobsearching #change #life #finances #Relationship #Authenticity #process #selflove #creative #creativity #Money #story #Vulnerability #Healing #family #SoulJourney #energyclearing #EFT #Butterflyhug #YouCare #Spirituality #personaljourney

Ebb and flow in the job search - Ebb Day

Today is a “Low” day. I feel like the energy ebbs and flows. Today it ebbs.

I had enough energy to apply for one job last night – the traditional way – by submitting a resume and cover letter to an individual (this might be a positive sign) rather than a job filtration site.

Who knows if this individual is actually looking for talent or if they are scanning the horizon to see “what’s out there” or meet an HR requirement that the job is posted, while only entertaining personal referrals from employees already in the company. Time will tell.

I don’t yet know this person and have not had the pleasure of informationally interviewing or even being introduced at a networking event. The dull pounding thought that I am therefore SOL does creep up here.

For the umpteenth time someone mentioned the statistic that men apply for jobs they are 60% qualified for and women are always afraid to do that because they can’t prove it. I think the situation is way more complicated in real life.

I wrote a reply on my Facebook and said I’d had a few experiences lately, which made applying for jobs I was 60% qualified for an interesting experiment but an unlikely avenue by which I would get ANY job let alone one I was 60% qualified for. This being said, I am referring to applying cold via a job posting, not when knowing people IRL (In Real Life).

1. I’d seen an employer change a job description a few weeks after I applied for a job requiring an MBA in Integrated Marketing to say “We are seeking candidates with an MBA in Integrated Marketing who have a demonstrated experience doing this work in a corporate/agency environment for at least 3 years not just school work.

2. Ahh…gotcha. Couldn’t tell if I was the only person who dared apply or if they had multiple resumes with the same issue and were frustrated that we’d even try, so a lesson had to be taught.

3. I’d received “Nos” on any application I’d sent so far – 50-100% qualified. I was getting cold feet about applications where I was 40% qualified and hedged my bets more often than not to see if I could “just get a foot in the door and start proving myself.”

4. My informational interviews mentioned several times the need to start on the bottom, join membership organizations and volunteer for a committee, do internships (unpaid or whatever) and show me real-life experience on the resume.

I am also low because I am doing energy clearing work and meditation to help shift the field of energy and eventually bring me the job I want/need. Clearly, I am not aligned with the position yet or the employer. Energy clearing of this deep magnitude takes a lot out of me as I process the changes. Most people just complain and accept their lot in life or find conspiracy theories. Here I am actively healing myself and others, probably.

My campaign so far to get someone or someone(s) to sponsor me in this career change endeavor has been slow and my initial post received some recognition but the interaction has dropped off I have received one donation (thank you) but need a steady flow.

My family of origin has cut me out completely and refuses to answer my emails or calls for help. Maybe I should feel lucky I got a text on my birthday, I guess. I am facing that in order to clear my past obstacles and move forward, I am doing it virtually ALONE. It’s a tough place for a woman to be in – we’re relational and often don’t take this stuff well even if it is in our best interest. I am more relational then most and REALLY don’t take this well. I found out recently my Venus is in Cancer…that pretty much explains my entire life.

Emo, over-the-top, extravagant, relationship oriented, go into long stories to explain something that could be simple, did I say super emotional, especially when I am doing creative work or PMSing? On a good note, I am more in touch with my intuition and feelings and I am not afraid of them. This can be very helpful in creative circles and in business – if you want to run a consciously aligned business and tell compelling stories that real people identify with, anyway.

Right now, I am having to contemplate cashing out one of my old 401Ks that is sitting there – retirement may not be in the cards for me. I have to pay rent and buy some new shoes and I have no idea how else I will do it. Thinking of chocolate boxes I open later in life when I might be homeless NOW doesn't really compute.

If you want to help change that, and have the means, I would really entertain anything from a donation to my YouCare site to paying me to work on your Integrated Planning, build up my resume etc.

In the meantime, we’ll continue the journey…at least I have $200 to buy food, and maybe join one membership organization so I can offer my services for free. I’ll go home later and get that application out to cash out the 401k with enough time to pay rent this month. A bitter pill and an ebb day indeed.

#retirement #retirementonashoestring #Spirituality #energyclearing #SoulJourney #YouCare #fundraising #jobs #jobsearching #Healing #trust #Writing #selflove #process #family #knowing

Asking for Help...A story of my changing life

I’ll admit – I haven’t been good at asking for help.

I grew up with lessons on “pulling yourself up by the bootstraps” and “working hard pays off” and loads of other templates and thought-forms that may or may not actually work.

Have we really ever considered the types of things we believe or think, where they have come from and whether or not they are in our best interest?

I got my MBA in Integrated Marketing Communications. I am sure many people have stories of grueling school programs and life experiences. The constant pace of full-time school and a full-time job that was quite demanding, accumulated and by the time I had only a few months left of school, I was burnt out, sick all the time and could barely think straight.

I had hoped in the two years of being in school that our program leaders would have established connections for networking with local businesses. We were the first people through a new regional MBA, albeit at a nationally recognized school – St Catherine University – and at the time, the only MBA or advanced degree in Integrated Marketing.

Instead, leadership had dropped the ball on any kind of post-grad recruiting program and they did little to establish networking affiliations, or have any courses on how to search for jobs post MBA. I may have been the only person in the program at the time who was not already working in the field, or at least in a company that recognized them with a promotion.

My company was in the middle of a huge merger integration and not hiring or promoting unless it directly related to underwriting loans. As an Executive Assistant, it is a known fact that moving up from these positions is next to impossible. At my brother’s wedding in May, I had numerous conversations with people on the subject, all concurring with this point of view, and saying that they’d heard of ‘maybe one time’ that an EA was promoted to a leadership position within the same company.

Things didn’t look great but I had high hopes that my twenty years of managing offices and execs, my writing and artistic background and my MBA would coalesce quickly into a mid-level position in advertising or in integrated marketing.

Several months of no responses to any resume I sent out began to erode my confidence. After attending several networking events, all of which required a fee to get in, I began to realize just how closed a market I was dealing with. Local agencies in Minneapolis may be plentiful, however it is a “who you know” type business with a skittish approach to hiring newbies and outsiders.

In corporate marketing, integrated approaches are sadly, still in their infancy. In addition, many of the top employers were not hiring – they may have jobs posted, but that is not the same thing. I started to talk with people in my now growing network -- 3M and Ecolab were in hiring freezes, using contractors or moving people around within. Also, the larger companies had established MBA recruiting programs with the local schools (other than mine) and avenues for post-grad internships were closed.

Several more months of “no thank you” responses to my resume and/or dead silence, whittled away even more confidence. It wasn’t until I was in a dead depression and the Olympics came on that I began to listen to stories of world class athletes. These guys went through tremendous pain, mental suffering, bad choices, and various other physical and real life challenges – the difference between their attitude and mine seemed to be tenacity under fire.

At that point, I joined an EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) circle and began to tap away on my meridian points to lift some of the emotional baggage I was carrying – from all these thoughts and feelings. As they released, I felt my confidence return, and I knew that I could eventually overcome all these challenges.

The main issue that was coming up for me after months out of school with no change in income, was my finances. They were spiraling out of control. Networking events cost money. Running this website – which I use as portfolio -- cost money, my apartment rent was more than my paycheck (EAs aren’t valued financially either) and I was stuck in a lease until the beginning of 2017. I needed to maintain LinkedIn Premium for job hunting purposes, get business cards, keep up my appearance. You name it and I was bleeding red.

I had been keeping it all going with the idea that the BIG JOB would be around the corner and that simply had not materialized. My parents decided the best they could do was pay my car payment – another expense I took on so I could go to job interviews, get to work and be more flexible. However, they were really antagonistic about how long it was taking, and how much money I needed to do it.

I honestly felt emotionally and materially unsupported. How was I supposed to “Go for Gold” in this career move if I couldn’t afford a decent pair of shoes, pay for parking at job interviews, join the networking groups etc.

I was between a rock and hard place. And I was sinking!

I don’t mean to complain, but our society is ubiquitous with templates and concepts that promote the idea that job hunting is easy or should be a piece of cake – I guess that is why I thought I would have a recruiting program to help me when I graduated. Templates which say you can establish businesses without some kind of capital outlay and that something is wrong with you if you don’t get networking right away.

Sure I was going to need to grow up in this process and figure it out, but it is hard to figure it out when you are worrying that you will be homeless or have to deal with less than ideal living arrangements while simultaneously keeping up the job hunt.

More recently, I made enough contacts that informational interviews began to happen. They were great – I learned a lot at each one. However, the biggest feedback from them was that I needed more practical experience – internships of sorts, like offering my work to non-profits, joining marketing membership organizations and volunteering on committees. Attendance at local conferences and training opportunities was another aspect of this.

With what resources? I am barely getting by.

So that is where I am at – after a weekend in which my iPhone screen broke so badly I needed an emergency repair I couldn’t afford – the climbing overdraft fees from all the rent checks and stuff I needed to pay meant I never got paid a full check anyway and I had to ask for help.

What’s more, I felt like I might be able to offer my services and raise awareness for my story in the process. It’s not just financial help I need. I need emotional support too. However, I am at risk for losing my apartment at this point. I have nowhere else to go and an eviction stays on your record a long time.

There is all this potential here – I have an MBA, plenty of skills and attributes. What I need now is people to assist with some capital to get to the next step of this journey successfully.

In exchange, I will write about my journey here. If you want to work with me on your business' integrated planning, do coaching or healing work for yourself or your business, that is great too. Building client takes time and money too - remember those networking events?

In the meantime, I will make sure to keep my campaign going so that I can break into this new field, gain the experience I need and keep things floating. Please consider donating on my YouCare site today. I really can't do this alone.

#YouCare #fundraising #story #personaljourney #Money #creative #life #trust #emotionalsupport #finances #Authenticity