Day 19: How the possibility of being homeless seems to rally The Creator (in me)

Nothing like almost being homeless to rally the creative gene. This really isn’t my idea of a good time but “trust the Universe” is often an action rather than a state-of-mind.

I have five more days in my current residence and the place I thought I was going to go, has more drama surrounding it being available than I expected. Or did I expect too much or was I just in a wishful thinking mode? All three. Possibly all three.

Anyway, my friend with the trailer, his back is out. Sounds serious. So, the day started off there. Now I need movers. Here I am Ms. Lone Wolf, I rarely hang out with people (I know hard to believe because I am “social” at parties but mostly that is in passing) and now I gotta find movers.

Just that alone brings on anxiety. Nevermind, the fact that I don’t exactly have the ideal circumstances under which to move – making the available options people who know and like me enough to take me on. You really have to either totally get me and know me, or be open to whatever is being asked of you. I think this separates the wheat from the chaff. Meanwhile you might see or hear me freaking out.

My family (of origin) is out of touch. We don’t see eye-to-eye about anything, let alone this. I reach out and confirm this. Or they confirm what I have been suspecting for months.

While simultaneously wracking my brains for who else is available (that probably I think won’t help at all). I realized that was my standard response to all human interaction – that they are unlikely to even give a f’k -- is why I ended up this Lone Wolf person. It was like the only person I know who I can rely on most of the time was me.

Except this approach does not work for this circumstance. It kinda is an interesting pattern. A response, perhaps to my family upbringing, a method that ensures a kind of stalwart protection against rejection. It is neither meaningful nor relevant in creating. Because we are all co-creators, we are all relying on each other.

I reach out via text to a few people. Take a walk. Listen to some Access clearing statements on loop. Reply to my father – for some reason. I don’t understand how I keep thinking there is something to say here when there is clearly nothing to say. I am not seen. It isn’t happening – ever. Not unless I look, walk and talk a certain way and that is not happening, right now. Actually, who am I kidding? Will it matter if I walked and talked differently? I should matter now.

Anyway, that is when my friend from Restaurant #1 gets a hold of me – she can put me up at her place – at least for a few months. I’d have to store my furniture elsewhere.

I had two more friends reach out via my Facebook post with different offers to help. Both possible leads.

My friend and colleague from my volunteer work texted with me both on finding me moving help for Friday AND a place to stay for the weekend – or beyond.

Now I am overwhelmed with choices in the space of a few hours where I originally had hardly any. Go me for demanding something change here! And not just change materially – I mean change within my own heart about what was possible.

THAT took all the tools. That made me see I couldn't go backwards, I was going forwards. And into the unknown for real.

Guess, I’ll keep moving, then…

#2018 #boundaries #frustrations #breakthrough #sevenyear #ancestraltrauma #innerwork #mind #mindset #financialhealth #betterchoices #selfhelp #energy #energyclearing #connectiontoself #health #wellness #soul #familytrauma #Transformation #bestself #Relating #process #Vulnerability #intuition #Relationship

Day 8: New vistas, old habits, journey of the soul and other Truths as summer winds down

I took a shift unexpectedly at the restaurant downtown today. Biked home and realized half-way that it was Tuesday night work crew at the Saint Paul Curling Club.

Stopped in to see what the summer projects were all about. Loni mentioned that while the roster wasn’t large, they’d managed to wait until the last minute, once again to complete things.

The ice set-up projects will start next week!

Hard to imagine that in just a month, fall activities will begin and temps will start to drop. The State Fair – our big Minnesota get together will be completed and Halloween on its way.

I’ve never known any place to have summer last less than three months. Why did I have a soul contract for this place again? If you’d asked me in 2001 if I’d ever leave California and venture to the mid-west, and a city, I’d have cringed. I always saw myself settling in the country like up in Napa or Petaluma with a large tract of land, maybe working for a vineyard.

The first time I got confronted with the idea of living in a city was when I took my first CTI coaching courses back in 2005. We did a guided “future self” meditation where we went to visit ourselves 20 years in the future. My future self was wearing a suit and hanging out in an office space in a city I didn’t recognize. The only ones I thought remotely close in size and scope were San Francisco or Los Angeles and I hated those places. I ran out of the room crying.

When much later, around 2008/2009 I was introduced to Minneapolis-St Paul I freaked out because it looked just like the “future self” meditation, and I felt like I’d been there before. It took several more coaching classes and sessions to consider that maybe my soul had been speaking for a long time. So, while it may have seemed like a sudden, or even insane decision by some who didn’t know the whole story – I’d been working with the idea for quite some time.

I tried to avoid it for about another year. Increasingly though I had this strange internal nudging going on. The temp jobs I took were more and more temporary – often working for companies that were about to go under or were in merger-acquisition. In the end, I stopped getting jobs altogether. The only thing that kept rearing its “ugly” head was this idea of re-location.

Our souls know exactly what we should be doing. Maybe, I knew better than to avoid the call too long. No need to get hit over the head with a two-by-four to wake up to my future.

Back at the curling club, we talked summer projects, curling, boats, an open bartender spot. We ate pizza and drank beer (and no I didn't do any work - I was told to come back next week) I was reminded just how fast the summer had gone. Perhaps the constant stream of interviews, job hunting and MIMA work kept me busy. Here I thought I’d have a job and move from my sub-let to my own apartment or something. No such luck.

Dreams don’t always land the way you think they will. We can have all the pre-conceived notions we want of life, or even the people in our lives and many times they’ll simply not add up. I had no idea what I was getting into when I first moved to the Twin Cities in March of 2010 with two suitcases and a dream.

The path and the journey has both been more amazing than I could have imagined and more daunting. I didn’t know when I moved that starting over would mean literally from scratch. Or that I would meet so many amazing folks from all walks of life, who’ve turned into friends. Or that I’d be confronted with the most difficult people and situations I’d ever experience, having to dig deep to find my True North, gain personal efficacy and know the potency of my determination and strength.

More changes are coming. The summer is winding down. Decisions need to be made. New choices, new vistas and grappling with our winter weather, once again. What magic will the holidays hold for 2018? A year of deep spiritual awakening.

What new horizons will show themselves and what will continue to stay the same, not quite going as planned or changing direction altogether. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

#2018 #frustrations #selfhelp #intimacy #connectiontoself #connection #TrueNorth #Curling #betterchoices #innerwork #energy #energyclearing #Relating #patterns #seasons #heart #knowing #personaljourney #Journey #soul #SoulJourney #Soulmates #Innerlandscapes #life #Relationship #Writing #coaching

Day 5: Stories of Unexpected Outcomes and the Role of the Universe

The Universe works in mysterious ways. At 11:45am I got a call from my co-worker at the movie theater restaurant.

She needed someone to cover her shift.

I wasn’t going to make it on time for her original schedule, but management was OK for a late start. In the end, I was the only server on duty through a pretty busy dinner too. The 2nd server for the night called in sick.

That sort of unexpected situation with money has been happening more lately. Just yesterday, a good friend of mine sent me money via Venmo so I’d have a nice weekend.

After work tonight, I spoke with a server at Raku, a sushi place near the theater. He was telling me he frequently fixes cars for others or helps them out with service (i.e. picking up stuff at the store). I told him I thought that was the direction of how the world needed to head. This I-I-Me-Me thing wasn’t working right.

Seems to me, while I have been cash poor lately, I have received from the Universe, all kinds of in-kind exchanges and free money (finding change on the ground is a good example).

The unexpected call put my Day 5 writing behind schedule. I still feel committed to writing a little something though. Technically it is 2AM Day 6, but I can write two blogs in one day.

My server friend wasn’t sure everyone on the planet would “get” this way of thinking that we were speaking of. I mentioned that without the care, attention and flexibility of friends and roommates this past year, I’d not have survived.

It wasn’t always easy to receive. It wasn’t what I was brought up to think. However, it made me realize that often, the Universe picks people for whom money flows and uses their allowance and generosity of spirit to create for others. So really, it isn’t up to use to determine who is deserving, more like up to us to listen to the call of Spirit.

Receiving is clearly something I have a problem with because otherwise I’d have everything I need and want.

The Universe has been trying to school me on how gifting and receiving are part of the same paradigm. In other words, was it an issue with receiving or was I just not gifting?

I believe part of this impetus to write daily, no matter who reads this or if they even hire me for marketing / content work or anything like that – is the idea of gifting what I know to others.

I’d been thinking about this issue with my family and what I was taught. There is a Gifting & Receiving Universe and then there is Give and Take. Those who exist in a Gift and Take Universe, are always expecting from others. An example might be someone gives you a meal and then expects sex in return. You know the feeling and it is common in our reality. So, you think, well I can’t ever receive because it come with strings. I don’t want to have sex with those people.

Unfortunately, when you aren’t receiving (even hypothetically) then the money (which is energy) fails to show up. You keep shutting the doors and you wonder – shit why can’t I see a change in my bank account. Or, my bank account is worse than ever!

Money is a relationship and needs the same care and attention as a lover. Gratitude, Trust, Allowance, Vulnerability. Authenticity.

Of course, past traumas won’t make it easy to be any of those let alone one or two. That’s where the work comes in. The energy or somatic healing and therapy. I’ve never seen an easy way out – in this time and space, we’re going to have to address the issues head on.

I was used to a Give & Take Universe and therefore, since I’d cut off my ability to receive somewhere along the line, so that I wouldn’t feel obligated, I had to do the work to shift this point of view which limited my Universe. I wish it were a snap of the finger. It’s a daily practice, really, along with the help of my energy therapists.

Each day I work I value myself, and my choice, and my relationship with money more and more. It doesn’t always appear like I thought. Plus, the results we think we want may morph and change or take longer. Beating ourselves up about a process or trying to fit in doesn’t work.

The day before my friend sent me money, I was clearing some blocks and being in question. At the same time, I was confronted with this reality and the no question universe which seems to be all around me. I felt like I was in a bad mood.

The next day, when the money showed up, I got the awareness that maybe if I had trusted the Universe the night before, I’d have been better off…

Then the following day (today), I received/created a shift at work with cash tips I wasn’t expecting too. So, the awareness grew to “the Universe always has your back even when you sometimes fuck up.”

#2018 #frustrations #Money #breakthrough #ancestraltrauma #mind #innerwork #Winning #knowing #financialhealth #betterchoices #energy #connectiontoself #selfhelp #wellness #bestself #selfempowerment #selflove #soul #Transformation #familytrauma #family #Heartwalls #Relating #Relationship #patterns #newoutlook #personaljourney #mindset #process #finances #SacredJourney #energyclearing #clearing