Day 19: How the possibility of being homeless seems to rally The Creator (in me)

Nothing like almost being homeless to rally the creative gene. This really isn’t my idea of a good time but “trust the Universe” is often an action rather than a state-of-mind.

I have five more days in my current residence and the place I thought I was going to go, has more drama surrounding it being available than I expected. Or did I expect too much or was I just in a wishful thinking mode? All three. Possibly all three.

Anyway, my friend with the trailer, his back is out. Sounds serious. So, the day started off there. Now I need movers. Here I am Ms. Lone Wolf, I rarely hang out with people (I know hard to believe because I am “social” at parties but mostly that is in passing) and now I gotta find movers.

Just that alone brings on anxiety. Nevermind, the fact that I don’t exactly have the ideal circumstances under which to move – making the available options people who know and like me enough to take me on. You really have to either totally get me and know me, or be open to whatever is being asked of you. I think this separates the wheat from the chaff. Meanwhile you might see or hear me freaking out.

My family (of origin) is out of touch. We don’t see eye-to-eye about anything, let alone this. I reach out and confirm this. Or they confirm what I have been suspecting for months.

While simultaneously wracking my brains for who else is available (that probably I think won’t help at all). I realized that was my standard response to all human interaction – that they are unlikely to even give a f’k -- is why I ended up this Lone Wolf person. It was like the only person I know who I can rely on most of the time was me.

Except this approach does not work for this circumstance. It kinda is an interesting pattern. A response, perhaps to my family upbringing, a method that ensures a kind of stalwart protection against rejection. It is neither meaningful nor relevant in creating. Because we are all co-creators, we are all relying on each other.

I reach out via text to a few people. Take a walk. Listen to some Access clearing statements on loop. Reply to my father – for some reason. I don’t understand how I keep thinking there is something to say here when there is clearly nothing to say. I am not seen. It isn’t happening – ever. Not unless I look, walk and talk a certain way and that is not happening, right now. Actually, who am I kidding? Will it matter if I walked and talked differently? I should matter now.

Anyway, that is when my friend from Restaurant #1 gets a hold of me – she can put me up at her place – at least for a few months. I’d have to store my furniture elsewhere.

I had two more friends reach out via my Facebook post with different offers to help. Both possible leads.

My friend and colleague from my volunteer work texted with me both on finding me moving help for Friday AND a place to stay for the weekend – or beyond.

Now I am overwhelmed with choices in the space of a few hours where I originally had hardly any. Go me for demanding something change here! And not just change materially – I mean change within my own heart about what was possible.

THAT took all the tools. That made me see I couldn't go backwards, I was going forwards. And into the unknown for real.

Guess, I’ll keep moving, then…

#2018 #boundaries #frustrations #breakthrough #sevenyear #ancestraltrauma #innerwork #mind #mindset #financialhealth #betterchoices #selfhelp #energy #energyclearing #connectiontoself #health #wellness #soul #familytrauma #Transformation #bestself #Relating #process #Vulnerability #intuition #Relationship

Day 8: New vistas, old habits, journey of the soul and other Truths as summer winds down

I took a shift unexpectedly at the restaurant downtown today. Biked home and realized half-way that it was Tuesday night work crew at the Saint Paul Curling Club.

Stopped in to see what the summer projects were all about. Loni mentioned that while the roster wasn’t large, they’d managed to wait until the last minute, once again to complete things.

The ice set-up projects will start next week!

Hard to imagine that in just a month, fall activities will begin and temps will start to drop. The State Fair – our big Minnesota get together will be completed and Halloween on its way.

I’ve never known any place to have summer last less than three months. Why did I have a soul contract for this place again? If you’d asked me in 2001 if I’d ever leave California and venture to the mid-west, and a city, I’d have cringed. I always saw myself settling in the country like up in Napa or Petaluma with a large tract of land, maybe working for a vineyard.

The first time I got confronted with the idea of living in a city was when I took my first CTI coaching courses back in 2005. We did a guided “future self” meditation where we went to visit ourselves 20 years in the future. My future self was wearing a suit and hanging out in an office space in a city I didn’t recognize. The only ones I thought remotely close in size and scope were San Francisco or Los Angeles and I hated those places. I ran out of the room crying.

When much later, around 2008/2009 I was introduced to Minneapolis-St Paul I freaked out because it looked just like the “future self” meditation, and I felt like I’d been there before. It took several more coaching classes and sessions to consider that maybe my soul had been speaking for a long time. So, while it may have seemed like a sudden, or even insane decision by some who didn’t know the whole story – I’d been working with the idea for quite some time.

I tried to avoid it for about another year. Increasingly though I had this strange internal nudging going on. The temp jobs I took were more and more temporary – often working for companies that were about to go under or were in merger-acquisition. In the end, I stopped getting jobs altogether. The only thing that kept rearing its “ugly” head was this idea of re-location.

Our souls know exactly what we should be doing. Maybe, I knew better than to avoid the call too long. No need to get hit over the head with a two-by-four to wake up to my future.

Back at the curling club, we talked summer projects, curling, boats, an open bartender spot. We ate pizza and drank beer (and no I didn't do any work - I was told to come back next week) I was reminded just how fast the summer had gone. Perhaps the constant stream of interviews, job hunting and MIMA work kept me busy. Here I thought I’d have a job and move from my sub-let to my own apartment or something. No such luck.

Dreams don’t always land the way you think they will. We can have all the pre-conceived notions we want of life, or even the people in our lives and many times they’ll simply not add up. I had no idea what I was getting into when I first moved to the Twin Cities in March of 2010 with two suitcases and a dream.

The path and the journey has both been more amazing than I could have imagined and more daunting. I didn’t know when I moved that starting over would mean literally from scratch. Or that I would meet so many amazing folks from all walks of life, who’ve turned into friends. Or that I’d be confronted with the most difficult people and situations I’d ever experience, having to dig deep to find my True North, gain personal efficacy and know the potency of my determination and strength.

More changes are coming. The summer is winding down. Decisions need to be made. New choices, new vistas and grappling with our winter weather, once again. What magic will the holidays hold for 2018? A year of deep spiritual awakening.

What new horizons will show themselves and what will continue to stay the same, not quite going as planned or changing direction altogether. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

#2018 #frustrations #selfhelp #intimacy #connectiontoself #connection #TrueNorth #Curling #betterchoices #innerwork #energy #energyclearing #Relating #patterns #seasons #heart #knowing #personaljourney #Journey #soul #SoulJourney #Soulmates #Innerlandscapes #life #Relationship #Writing #coaching

Day 6: Templates, Healing, Change, Choice and the Circumstances that Bind Us

I met a woman talking to her dog at the coffee shop today. She was also talking to her phone. She was telling the dog it was hot outside, which it was. I was sweating and trying to enjoy my outdoor time but really it was too hot. The phone was a source of frustration because, as it turned out she kept getting emails from Kohl’s.

I mentioned the heat to her and she got into a long story about wanting to lose weight. Walking the dog, swimming and sometimes eating sweet rolls had lost her a few pounds (she didn’t understand how the sweet rolls hadn’t caused her to gain). So, had visiting her grandchildren in San Francisco (because they kept her running). I didn’t know her story, but it seemed she was one of those people who was probably always losing a couple pounds. Somewhere along the line her life became about getting to that long-lost weight she wished would change her life.

I think that template is an easy one to grab a hold of. Women seem to find themselves there frequently – never quite being all that happy with their bodies. Someone else mentioned recently she couldn’t show her body because she had had babies…Meanwhile, at the same gathering, the guys all had their shirts off and none of them were ripped or cared.

I wondered, briefly if the coffee shop lady was hoping if she just lost weight she’d be beautiful enough to be loved. Had some guy left her for a more attractive model? Anyway, she thought she had an app that sent her messages. She liked the Target app but hated Kohls. After some research on my part, it was her emails sending notices rather than an app. I helped her unsubscribe from the marketing email. She asked me if I was a student at Macalester because I knew how to use an iPhone. I hated to tell her that I knew my way around technology, apps, emails and more.

The baby shower

Later, I attended a baby shower. A surreal experience of baby advice and cute frilly clothes. I realized this was a rather blank page for me. I’m not sure I’ve ever attended one before or knew what to expect. Somehow, I just escaped the baby shower / wedding lifestyle experiences. Maybe I was too busy attending healing classes, healing, or hanging out with adults who didn’t want children, or whose children were already grown. Not necessarily by conscious choice. It just happened.

A small world, after all

After the baby shower, I drove to downtown Saint Paul. There was a Saints game on at CHS field. There I walked around for a bit and bumped into someone I knew from the curling club. I’m surprised he was alone, so I assume he was meeting others I probably know in the compound. I just can’t quite bring myself to go to a baseball game by myself.

Walking around downtown during the day – since I am there mostly at night these days – was odd. A year ago, I packed up my apartment I had downtown for seven years. It was a tough summer. I had no idea where my life was going to take me. My family and I were fighting. The trauma work influenced my existence in a way I didn’t expect. Rather than things simply improving, they fell apart. They keep falling apart, over and over. Meanwhile, new things entered just not in a straight line.

I ran into Bernie there while wandering around Mears Park – my old friend. We ended up conversing on his rooftop about relationships and healing and therapy and the insanity that is this job search of mine.

Good night. Although, I can’t help but think that as much as had changed since I left Lowertown, that some things hadn’t changed at all. Not even one bit. Either that or it was a slight modification based on experience and the totality of it just couldn’t be expressed.

On the writing journey

Writing daily has been both hard and exhilarating. Hard because I could find all kinds of excuses not to write. Exhilarating because it is bringing up a lot of things that are deeply embedded I can’t get to without the ritual of this work.

One thing I know for certain – I am looking to see this shift into what I came here to be and do. Bernie said he thought I’d never be happy in a place where I didn’t believe in the work I was doing, If I was involved in marketing it would need to be a product or service that I trusted. He wondered if I’d not be good in the corporate social responsibility sector. Quite possibly if it weren’t just lip service?

Intriguing quandary.

What's next?

What are all these avenues and paths we choose? I can only hope that I can stay healthy rather than obsessed with weight and those “couple pounds” I need to lose. I heard recently that someone’s mother – who I had seen as a client for her nutritional services – now had Alzheimer’s. So even the supplements and chiropractic didn’t absolve her of a disease that robs one of their memories. I have metaphysical theories on that disease. Still, we can try everything and, in the end, maybe not change enough for our future to be a pristine drive to 120.

Or maybe changing and healing is an obsession of mine that is net zero. Not sure I’d quite go that far, but I can see how we should enjoy every minute we have since we honestly have no idea what the future holds or does not hold. Given the climate change issues, the future may be short. It sure was hot today...

#financialhealth #selfhelp #ancestraltrauma #breakthrough #frustrations #mind #innerwork #wellness #health #connectiontoself #betterchoices #energy #Transformation #bestself #Relating #family #movement #creative #change #writing #finances #heart #connection #personaljourney #Journey #soul #SoulJourney