I learned the conscious container approach when I joined Kendra Cunov’s No Man Diet in January for three plus months (the container got extended beyond the dates of the course). Recently, I built a new container for money and dating. Since this was new to me, I keep looking at the container and adjusting it.
What has been unexpected is that I did not build a specific container for writing, and as I completed my container for money, felt a strong urge to go back to a daily writing practice as well. I am making the educated guess that these two relationships are connected.
I adjusted my web blog to support my daily writing and publishing. I am sharing these writings on my social pages. I feel like sharing my stories is an important part of my creative life. It is likely that eventually I will have some series which I place behind a paywall to allow others to support my writing and upkeep of my site.
Still, the main reason I feel called to write now is writing is so central to my process. As I turn the ½ century of life on the planet, I have found myself in some deep unraveling. I spent quite a bit of time reflecting on my life. I dove deeply into my 25th year which occurred in the middle of my first master’s degree, my MFA in film production.
During that time, I went through two pivotal break-ups, one which really sent me down some darker paths into a period of extended depression and anxiety. Armed with my journal I started at the time; I was able to piece together some of the actual events from my 25-year-old perspective. Along with the placing the memorabilia from my various films, as well as photos into the books.
The retrospective gave me some insights into how I ended up in such a dark place. It also balanced some of the lopsided thoughts I had about the break-up. Including the one where I placed my former boyfriend on a pedestal.
I realized that while I certainly contributed to the situation, I also saw where my boyfriend mishandled both my emotional needs and the sanctity of the promises he continually made. In the end, his behavior trigged some long-standing abandonment wounds, which coupled with a lack of resources available to help me handle the turmoil, led me to spiral.
Now and in the future, I can hold this container for myself and seek to surround myself with folks who have the strength of character to maintain a relationship of integrity and mutual respect. I can use my discernment to walk away from those who would treat my emotional wounds as a negative trait I should be ashamed of.
I know that I had a lot of issues with self-esteem and magical thinking in that relationship at 25 which also contributed to the breakdown. I was able to re-integrate those tender wounds and aspects of myself and make a kind of peace with it all that I wasn’t ready to complete until I turned fifty, another quarter turn of my life.
These timings and twists or turns which make up a life, are intriguing to me. It is as if, we need that time to fully process through certain events and experiences. If we try to rush through or “just get on with it,” it is likely they will come back around to be addressed later.
As I start this practice of being more conscious and deliberate about my intentions, I see that this level of attunement came from the journey I have taken thus far. While it may be exciting to imagine what my life could have been should I have gotten these tools earlier, I know that I would not have had the ability to accept them into my life.
It is why trying to teach others at a different stage of their purpose, is often met with resistance or rejection. They just aren’t ready for that level of self-awareness or examination. Some folks never are. Acceptance of this, is key to our own well-being.
It is my belief that the more those of us who are ready to create conscious containers and do the work, we open an invitation to choose a similar course, when another is ready. These relationships with ourselves are ever developing until our time on the planet is complete.